When Dreams and Wishes are Made Real

© Melissa M. / The Torch and Key

I am 48 years old, and I am going back to college! I had my first child when I was just 18 – a baby myself. My life was interrupted, I had just started college and everything changed with one decision. And then another. I continued college through my pregnancy, took the summer off since my son was born in June, and went right back to it for the fall semester. I had to go to night school due to child care options being severely limited. But I did it, and continued on full time at night for 2 more semesters. I then moved several states away with my son, since my husband (baby’s father) was in the military and stationed down south. I continued with college part time after settling in, but only took a few classes. But I continued.

Fast forward to today…. that was 1996. A lot has happened during the last 30 years. We had some more kids, my husband’s many health crises which are still ongoing, and my need to be “me”. For so many years, I gave all of myself to everyone else without much leftover for me. I was drained – emptying my bucket for others and not bothering to refill it as often as I needed to. Helping my husband through some of his darkest days depleted me, and I am left with a lot of emotional scarring of my own that I am not sure will ever heal. (when I am ready, that will be probably a series of blog posts because it’s a lot to dive in to and process and I am not sure if I am ready to put it all out there yet).

Our youngest is now 18, and I made a promise to myself that when he started high school I would finish college. I never got that opportunity because my husband’s health deteriorated to a point where he needed near-constant care. But here I am today, getting ready to go back. I just submitted my FAFSA and state financial aid applications, and have my online student portal access at the local college I will be attending to get back to my Accounting studies so I can finally earn my degree.

So much has changed since I last went to school. I am both terrified and excited. Terrified because I am taking a huge step out of my comfort zone. Excited because I am finally making sure that I am keeping that promise I made to myself.

This process is also me getting my “ducks in a row” for my future, because honestly I don’t know how the next couple of years will go. I need to finally make myself a priority, and make sure I will be able to be what I need for me, and my children that are still making their way through this world while in college themselves.

Sometimes I want to be the “old me” again – the pre-pregnant teenager, carefree, with hopes and dreams of a young person with the world at their feet. Then I realize that “old me” no longer exists because of everything I have been through over the last 30 years. I am older, wiser, tougher, heart-hardened by life’s challenges, cynical, trauma-affected, and I have children that I love with every fiber of my being. I am sure I can find bits of that “old me” somewhere. I am starting over, in a way, with new-and-same hopes and dreams. My husband and I are still married, and his health struggles have been up and down and we are facing an inevitable diagnosis that will forever change him and one day he won’t know who we are. His challenges have surely been draining mentally for me, and I have learned a lot about myself through all of this.

So here I am, planning for the future. My excitement at rediscovering myself is tempered with the knowledge that I will be doing a lot of this on my own, and it makes me sad. But I will continue to push forward for me, and hopefully build something that the “old me” would be proud of.

Never give up on yourself.

Turning Towards the Dark

Photo © Melissa M. / The Torch and Key

The wheel is always turning, and in the Northern Hemisphere we find ourselves turning ever more towards the dark part of the year. The first harvest has passed, the days are slowly getting shorter with slightly later sunrises and slightly earlier sunsets, and I am now starting to notice leaves are already slowly changing (which is a little earlier than usual).

I recently visited a local orchard with my daughter to pick some fresh blackberries. The orchard / farm is enormous at almost 100 acres in size – with endless apple trees of every variety as far as the eye can see, and berry patches and brambles mixed in here and there. Soon pumpkins will be available for picking, and the corn maze will be set up for some autumn fun. The farm is so big, they have farm trolleys taking visitors to various parts of the farm to pick what they need. We hopped off our trolley, and I was soon lost in the task of picking blackberries. It was just my daughter and I with no other visitors, so we split up and I went down one row and she another.

The blackberry brambles were tall – at least a few feet taller than me and the rows were narrow, so I felt closed in and alone, and this solitude was a comforting feeling. I was so glad that there were no other visitors while we were there. I took this quiet time to still my mind while I picked, and this was something I sorely needed as my personal life is quite busy at the moment. Between caring for my husband and managing his medical care, preparing for a cousin’s wedding (happening in 2 days!), and helping my daughters complete last minute tasks before heading back to college, I am stretched pretty thin and “me time” is almost nonexistent.

Being able to go inward while picking berries allowed me to center and ground myself in a way that I haven’t been able to do in a while. It was just me, the blackberries, and the land. The time between Lammas and the Autumn Equinox is all about letting go, just as Demeter and Persephone are preparing for her descent at the Equinox. I took this time to think about how I wanted to move forward. These last few years have been challenging personally due to my husband’s deteriorating health and me finding myself caring for him and managing his extensive medical care. Now that we are in a sort of predictable – but busy – pattern, I am better able to manage my time and devote more to what I want to do for myself, rather than always putting everyone else first and taking bits of time here and there for myself when there was some to spare.

I made a promise to myself to make time for me, and to nurture and cultivate what will help me grow beyond who I am now. I will do just that, though how much time it will take is anyone’s guess. The phrase “know thyself” is something that I am always hearing in my brain, and that is one of my current tasks that I am making a priority.

I have been a devotee of Hekate for many years, and lately I have been feeling this primal urge to blaze a path for myself that I never would have dared to undertake before. I will always, always be there for my family. They are everything to me – that will never change. I feel I can better serve them if I am finally able to be true to myself, which I am trying to do. Transformation and change is never easy, and Hekate has been a guiding force in my life for many years – especially during times of vast change. Telling me to remember who I am.

The late summer / Autumn months are a time when we turn towards the dark. Turn inwards and nurture those seeds that have been planted, and allow them to germinate and grow in the fecundity of our soul. Persephone returns to the realm of the dead in September, tending to the departed souls who are preparing for their transition to a new life. This is a cycle that repeats itself, literally and metaphorically. With nature, and with our inner selves. We are also Persephone; preparing ourselves for what may come next as we cocoon ourselves and tend to our needs. Be still, and listen.

The photo at the top of the page was taken at the local apple orchard mentioned in the beginning of this post. As my daughter and I were walking back to the main part of the farm (we decided to skip the trolley ride back), we passed by a field of wildflowers with rows of colorful blooms. I spotted this bee buzzing from flower to flower, enjoying the nectar they provided. The sighting of this sacred bee was no coincidence, and a fitting end to our visit to the orchard. Bees are sacred, and in ancient Greece the Melissae was a title given to priestesses of Aphrodite, Demeter, and Artemis. Bees were often associated with Persephone and the Underworld. My birth name is Melissa, and my mother told me that she had a different name picked out for me before I was born, but Melissa is what I was named instead for reasons unknown to her. I now understand what forces were at play that early September morning, because I have always had a strong connection to bees and my spiritual practice and interests center around these goddesses in addition to Hekate. But that story, I think, would be suitable for another post.


© Melissa McNair / The Torch and Key

By the Light of the Moon

© Photo by Melissa M. / The Torch and Key

Once in a while, I revisit a favorite book and read it again for a renewed perspective. Recently, I decided to delve into “Drawing Down the Moon” by the late (and great) Margot Adler. I first read this book 14 years ago and it had a huge impact on me. Back then, I was beginning my “pagan awakening” and this book validated a lot of feelings I was having at the time and it helped me feel as if there were possibilities, and hope for my new journey into the unknown. It also was (and still is) an invaluable resource for learning about the rise of paganism in the United States. I decided to revisit this beloved book because I have been feeling a disconnect with myself and my path. I am not sure why, but I suspect “COVID fatigue” may be a factor. This has certainly been a challenging year for my family, as well as for countless others. It has impacted all of our lives in different, yet similar ways. I have this strong desire to get back to my  “pagan roots” – whatever that may be; and I figured this book is kind of where it began so it was a logical choice for a re-read.

One passage in the beginning of the book really struck me with a force of recognition and comfort, and it moved me enough to want to write about it. It was about the simple, fulfilling ritual of honoring the full moon. Here is the quote:

“Do it, perhaps, on a full moon, in a park or in the clearing of a wood. You don’t need any of the tools you will read about in books on the Craft. You need no special clothes, or lack of them. Perhaps you might make up a chant, a string of names of gods and goddesses who were loved and familiar to you from childhood myths, a simple string of names for earth and moon and stars, easily repeatable like a mantra.

And perhaps, as you say those familiar names and feel the earth and air, the moon appears a bit closer, and perhaps the wind rustling the leaves suddenly seems in rhythm with your own breathing. Or perhaps the chant seems louder and all the other sounds far away. Or perhaps the woods seem strangely noisy. Or unspeakably still. And perhaps the clear line that separates you from bird and tree and small lizards seems to melt. Whatever else, your relationship to the world of living nature changes. The Witch is the changer of definitions and relationships”

Reading this passage awakened something in me. When I first read this book all those years ago, I really didn’t know anything about magic or ritual or what tools were best used. I was a beginner and had just set foot on a path that was completely unknown to me. I was an avid reader at first (I still am!) and I devoured any book I could get my hands on that interested me. I began with the often recommended titles from Scott Cunningham, Raymond Buckland, Starhawk, etc. My practice eventually evolved into Hellenic polytheistic worship with Hekate as my goddess and guide. But one thing that always worked for me over the years and stirred my soul like no other was the simple practice mentioned in the excerpt above. Of course, I performed formal rituals when needed. But most of the time, my rituals were wild, unscripted, and under the night sky.

I love stepping outside when the sky is dark and the stars are twinkling. The moon may or may not be in the sky, depending on the phase. That first look at the night sky always takes my breath away. I love to gaze at the stars, imagining what they look like up close and if they communicate with each other. The wonder of it all is awe-inspiring to me. We on Earth are but a grain of sand in a vast, infinite universe where the possibilities are endless.

After being out there for a little while, I begin to focus. My breathing becomes steady and measured. My third eye awakens, and my body begins to tingle. Often, the words roll off my tongue and flows like a river. I lift my arms in praise of nature,  the moon and stars. I sing a song of love and wonder. I don’t often plan ahead any of the words I speak. They are raw and spontaneous and honest. Sometimes I don’t “feel” in control; the words are coming out of my mouth but I often feel like a vessel or an oracle.

As I speak, the tingle in my body that I felt earlier grows stronger until my whole body is humming with energy. I can feel the energy shift within myself and my surroundings. The sky grows darker, and the moon and stars grow brighter. The creatures of the night may increase their sounds or become still and silent, depending on the time of year. In the winter, there aren’t many animals out in the cold nights. I live in northern New York, and our winters are cold and snowy. I may hear the distant call of an owl during the winter, or a wolf howling. During the summer it’s different. There is a small pond just beyond my backyard, and it is often alive with creatures when it’s warm out. The chatter of the frogs can become very intense, as does the snapping turtles and Canadian geese. Sometimes a soft breeze will rustle the tree limbs of the massive oaks and maples that fill my backyard, whispering their secrets. Lightning bugs will be visible, sometimes dozens at once, when it’s really hot. When this happens, it feels like these wondrous creatures are joining in my chorus of praise. It is an amazing, unifying feeling, and I feel a kinship with the land and those that share it with me.

Whenever I am singing my song of praise and wonder, I acknowledge those creature sounds as the goddess making her presence known. Especially if it was silent before I began. I always get chills down my spine when I am speaking praise of Hekate in the still, silent night and a wolf begins howling in the distance. Sometimes, I will see a shooting star as I am chanting.

When these informal, raw moments occur it is just me and nature. I don’t light a candle, or use any tools or burn incense. I stand barefoot on the earth and ground myself, and I always touch the ground when I am finished and return that energy I raised to the earth. Often, my dreams that night may be very vivid and I keep a dream journal to record them.

Reading that excerpt from “Drawing Down the Moon” inspired me to share my experiences with bare-bones rituals that can be done literally anywhere and any time you are moved to do so. Connecting to nature this way is so raw and primal and empowering and at the same time intimate. I hope that you may be moved to try this as well whenever the opportunity presents itself.

☆☆☆


Source:

Adler, Margot. “Drawing Down the Moon: Revised and Expanded Edition”. Penguin Books. 2006.