I am 48 years old, and I am going back to college! I had my first child when I was just 18 – a baby myself. My life was interrupted, I had just started college and everything changed with one decision. And then another. I continued college through my pregnancy, took the summer off since my son was born in June, and went right back to it for the fall semester. I had to go to night school due to child care options being severely limited. But I did it, and continued on full time at night for 2 more semesters. I then moved several states away with my son, since my husband (baby’s father) was in the military and stationed down south. I continued with college part time after settling in, but only took a few classes. But I continued.

Fast forward to today…. that was 1996. A lot has happened during the last 30 years. We had some more kids, my husband’s many health crises which are still ongoing, and my need to be “me”. For so many years, I gave all of myself to everyone else without much leftover for me. I was drained – emptying my bucket for others and not bothering to refill it as often as I needed to. Helping my husband through some of his darkest days depleted me, and I am left with a lot of emotional scarring of my own that I am not sure will ever heal. (when I am ready, that will be probably a series of blog posts because it’s a lot to dive in to and process and I am not sure if I am ready to put it all out there yet).

Our youngest is now 18, and I made a promise to myself that when he started high school I would finish college. I never got that opportunity because my husband’s health deteriorated to a point where he needed near-constant care. But here I am today, getting ready to go back. I just submitted my FAFSA and state financial aid applications, and have my online student portal access at the local college I will be attending to get back to my Accounting studies so I can finally earn my degree.

So much has changed since I last went to school. I am both terrified and excited. Terrified because I am taking a huge step out of my comfort zone. Excited because I am finally making sure that I am keeping that promise I made to myself.

This process is also me getting my “ducks in a row” for my future, because honestly I don’t know how the next couple of years will go. I need to finally make myself a priority, and make sure I will be able to be what I need for me, and my children that are still making their way through this world while in college themselves.

Sometimes I want to be the “old me” again – the pre-pregnant teenager, carefree, with hopes and dreams of a young person with the world at their feet. Then I realize that “old me” no longer exists because of everything I have been through over the last 30 years. I am older, wiser, tougher, heart-hardened by life’s challenges, cynical, trauma-affected, and I have children that I love with every fiber of my being. I am sure I can find bits of that “old me” somewhere. I am starting over, in a way, with new-and-same hopes and dreams. My husband and I are still married, and his health struggles have been up and down and we are facing an inevitable diagnosis that will forever change him and one day he won’t know who we are. His challenges have surely been draining mentally for me, and I have learned a lot about myself through all of this.

So here I am, planning for the future. My excitement at rediscovering myself is tempered with the knowledge that I will be doing a lot of this on my own, and it makes me sad. But I will continue to push forward for me, and hopefully build something that the “old me” would be proud of.

Never give up on yourself.